Paris Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery Read online

  Ingrid choked on her water. Her eyes watered as she tried to recover. “OMG, Emily. You are getting jaded after all these murders. You don’t think a single one of these people is actually a good person.”

  Emily shook her head emphatically. “Not true. I think Grandpa is a good guy.”

  “But you said you thought that he brought Betty 2 down her to murder her and dispose of her body.”

  “Yeah, but she clearly deserves it. She’s mean. Plus she’s obviously not long for this world with the shape her lungs are in. Look at her coughing like this were some poison chamber. He’s doing her a favor, really. And the rest of the world. Like I said, Grandpa is a humanitarian. Think of us as aid workers flown in by the UN to make the world a better place.”

  Ingrid rolled her twinkling eyes. Emily could tell this line of conversation was distracting her from whatever was wrong. She vowed to herself to keep up the crazy talk as long as possible.

  The walk was taking way too long. Gabe had moved forward to listen to the tour guide, but they’d been down here…what? A half hour? An hour? She glanced at her phone, saw she had no service, but that a full hour and 15 had passed. Given that they were walking steadily, had they covered 4 or 5 miles? Her feet hurt like they had.

  The ear-piercing scream that shattered the darkness of the tunnel they were in should have surprised Emily. But at this point, murders basically seemed to happen everywhere so she just looked at Ingrid in the little light from their cell phones and sighed.

  No one was running so Emily was guessing rat or someone blowing on someone else’s neck. Those girls at the front of the group looked like the jump-and-shriek type.

  “Not again,” Ingrid muttered. “Please no more bodies. Please.”

  Gabe moved forward, making his way past the other tourists while Ingrid stayed with Emily.

  “I told you. Everyone in this group is a few cards short of a full deck. Let’s see what horrible affliction they’ve managed to weigh us down with and not let Gabe have all the fun.”

  The scream was simply one of the young long-haired types screaming at a room full of bones. And it was creepy. The empty eye sockets seemed to be staring right into Emily’s soul and made her sick.

  Ingrid followed slowly, she looked around and said, “Why are we here?”

  The reasoning that Hazel wanted them to see witch stuff wasn’t a good answer. Not when you saw the way those skulls were stacked. It seemed as if the empty eye sockets were stacked on top of each other and lit with red lights. She knew it was in her head, but Emily had a fierce desire to find something hard and start crushing each and every skull before they stole her soul.

  Abel was talking over in the corner and gesturing. The only thing Emily wanted to know was that they’d be leaving quickly, especially as she could see that Ingrid was fading.

  “Hey, you stay here, and I’ll find out what’s happening.”

  Ingrid leaned against the cave wall and took a deep breath while Emily crossed in time to hear Abel tell Gabe that they’d rest for a while as Abel scouted ahead to make sure that they were clear to go out a shorter way.

  “Good,” Gabe said, “I don’t think that couple can handle keeping on this way.”

  He was pointing to the old couple, but Emily knew him well enough to know his concern was for the flagging Ingrid. Or, at least Ingrid first and the older couple second.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Abel said and then he seemed to disappear right into the wall. It took a moment to realize he had actual crawled through a hole in the wall and into a wide open gallery that Emily could just see.

  “I hate this place,” she told Gabe.

  “It’s…” He stopped, struggled and then said, “Pretty cool. The off-the-beaten-path route.”

  “But it’s illegal,” she teased.

  “Oh, shut up,” he said. “Will you check on Ingrid? I want to look more closely, but I don’t think she does.”

  They both turned to see Ingrid’s gaze directed entirely away from the bones and digging in her bag. Was that a pickle? It was. Emily’s gaze met Gabe’s and they both shook their heads as they watched Ingrid unwrap her pickle from the napkin.

  “That bag will never be the same again,” Emily told Gabe, but she could see he didn’t care. His gaze stayed on Ingrid and stayed concerned. He’d get used to her weird ways, Emily thought.

  Chapter 3

  Ingrid leaned against the stone wall and dug into her bag. If she didn’t look around, she didn’t have to see all the empty sockets staring at her. The guide had been blathering on about where the bodies had come from, about how this ossuary was off the beaten path, but she couldn’t get past the way the bones were stacked. All eyes staring at her and bones that should be laid out in bodies rearranged into patterns. And that idiot girl screaming about it, it had made Ingrid’s heart race, and the racing hadn’t stopped just because the girls had been playing the damsel card.

  Ingrid didn’t want to seem disrespectful of the dead. Or not too disrespectful, but she was starving. She was slowly wasting away in these tunnels. They had slipped off the path and into the darkness where they’d gone for a long while without seeing bones. She didn’t see the point of any of this, but she vastly preferred the carved out tunnels that weren’t stacked with bones.

  There was something off and weird about this room with bones, though, and she wanted very much to leave. And yet, she needed to eat. They’d been down here way too long and wandered way too far for her to go on without food. They’d been walking and walking and she currently hated her shoes though they’d been fantastic that morning. She glanced around and then considered her handbag. She had never been so glad she’d put those pickles and éclairs in her purse.

  Why lie? Even to herself, she knew she’d filled her bag with snacks. It was a large bag and there was a lot to eat. But it might not be enough. Why hadn’t they left yet? How long was this tour anyway?

  Ingrid cracked open her bag and used her phone light to examine the contents. Her eye was on the pickle prize. Sure, it was messy. And sour. And maybe she’d sliced open the pickle and tried to pour in hot sauce, making it a napkin mess, but that was ok. She wouldn’t explain the bag to her dry cleaner. Just hand it over and walk away. And, she had to admit, eating in the catacombs was nasty, but she was starving. Sometimes you just had to do what you had to do.

  Where had that guide gone?

  Ingrid slid down the wall and eventually Emily came over to sit beside her. The two of them examined their feet. Ingrid’s were aching, she bet Emily’s were too.

  “What’s happening?”

  “Abel went off to scout the way out. I guess since it’s illegal to be down here, we have to sneak out or get fined. Gabe is checking out the bones, he thought you’d prefer to not.”

  “He’s right. Don’t you think Abel has been gone a while?”

  “Yup,” Emily said.

  After a while, Gabe came over and sat with them. He opened Ingrid’s bag, examined it, and then took a sip of his water without eating anything she’d brought. Ingrid laid her head on his shoulder and said, “I don’t want to be alarmist…”

  “But he should be back by now,” Gabe said.

  “Yeah,” Emily added.

  It seemed they had all been worried about the same thing.

  Betty 2 and Grandpa Bernard came over and Betty 2 said, “We’re worried.”

  “Yeah,” Gabe agreed. Ingrid just nodded and knew that Emily was worried too. She could see it in her friend’s face and the way she held her shoulders. Ingrid was tired. The fact that Abel had been scouting the way out and food and shoe shopping was ahead had been all that had been keeping her from freaking out. But now…now she felt like someone had walked over her grave, and she didn’t like that one bit.

  “Do you know anything about getting out of here?” Betty 2 asked.

  Gabe paused and then said, “I know a bit about scouting and marking paths, but…Abel said these tunnels are hundreds of miles. We wo
uld do far better to wait for him.”

  “It’s been an hour,” Betty 2 said. “I looked at my watch when he left.”

  Gabe was tense as he considered.

  They’d been joined by the two princess types and the professor. The two friends were Lucie and Fiona. Ingrid hadn’t caught the professor’s name, maybe because she didn’t want to know.

  “There has to be a way to get out,” Lucie said. “How hard can it be?”

  “I don’t think we should leave yet,” Gabe said. “The truth is, it can be very hard and people have died down here.”

  “They have?” Ingrid looked her pretty Gabe over and saw how worried he was, it escalated her own concern. She hated this place. Hated it. The walls had been moving in on her for a while, and it was just a matter of time before someone leaped out with a curved knife and wanted to take her beating heart.

  “Yes,” Gabe said. He squeezed her hand and rose. “Stay here. I’ll talk to the others.”

  When he left, Fiona and Lucie stayed. Fiona started asking about Gabe, eyeing him as she did. Ingrid tried to ignore her, but she could see the way those young eyes found her wanting as a match for Gabe. While they focused on him, Ingrid tried to focus on nothing at all. It wasn’t working. They were in a death tunnel. If they survived, they'd be mad. Or they’d kill these two to shut them up.

  “So how long have you been together?” Fiona asked again.

  Ingrid didn’t answer again.

  “You don’t really seem like a couple,” she said.

  Ingrid looked at Emily and sent murderous messages. Emily agreed, but they both turned back to stare past the two idiots, waiting for them to give up and go away. They didn’t though.

  “You wouldn’t think it would be hard,” Emily told Ingrid—meaning that it wouldn’t be hard to see that the little princesses weren’t welcome.

  “It’s ridiculous,” Ingrid agreed.

  “But really, like is this a vacation fling?” Fiona asked.

  “Listen,” Ingrid said, “You’re right. Gabe is way prettier than I am. But do you know what you are?”

  “What?” Fiona asked, tiling her head and giving Ingrid a smirk that said, bring it.

  “You’re a kid. There is no chance under any circumstances, ever, that a man like Gabe would consider you as anything other than a child who was making him uncomfortable.”

  “He’s honorable, Gabey. He’s honorable and like…oddly responsible,” Emily said. “Plus Ingrid is awesome. Whereas,” Emily said, speaking slowly as if Fiona were both stupid and a little deaf, “you’re an idiot.”

  “Have you noticed that Abel still isn’t back?” Lucie, the friend asked. She didn’t seem to have been paying attention at all. In fact, she sounded like she was hyperventilating. Ingrid felt kind of bad for her but mostly irritated.

  “We have,” Emily said. “Go away.”

  “Calm down,” Ingrid told Lucie, giving Fiona a disgusted look.

  Then Ingrid opened her bag, pulled out a napkin wrapped éclair and offered a piece to Lucie. But the girl looked at Ingrid like she was crazy. “What?”

  “That’s disgusting,” Fiona said. “I assume you got that hot cop because he’s one of those men who like crazy girls.”

  Oooh, Ingrid thought, that was nasty. But probably true. Hadn’t the nail tech back home, Kimmie said something about the last girlfriend and a bunch of scenes. Something about poor Gabe’s truck? Man, it was time for another good gossip with Kimmie.

  “One,” Ingrid said, popping the éclair into her mouth and trying to not feel like all the skulls were staring at her, “I am a full grown woman not a girl. Two, there’s no explaining Gabe’s adoration of me. I think it’s my toes.”

  Fiona laughed mockingly and said, “At least you know your strengths.”

  The way she tossed her head said that Fiona also knew her strengths and her eye was on the Gabe prize.

  “Probably I just snuck up on him and now he feels bad dumping me. Plus, I might be crazy but I’m a lovable dove.”

  “Why do you keep saying dove?” Lucie asked. “It’s irritating, but I feel like I’ll be calling Fiona dove when we get home.”

  “I got hot sauce when I was a kid if I said dude,” Ingrid said. “My mother was cruel and unusual. Anyhow, surely we can just go back the way we came. It can’t be that hard. Maybe you guys could go first and take any random axes from the murderers in here. As you don’t have a heart or a sense of when you aren’t wanted, it probably won’t even hurt you.”

  Gabe came back as Ingrid finished. His look said he was glad to have missed the entire conversation. He took her hand and pulled her to his feet, wrapping her up in his arms. He didn’t do it to show Fiona he loved Ingrid. He didn’t even know that Fiona had been trying to somehow undermine Ingrid. But she loved the way he didn’t even see the princesses in their skimpy shirts and tight capris.

  “Gabe,” Emily said, “You’re a keeper.”

  “I hope so,” Gabe said, grinning at Emily. “As Ingrid would say, I’m delightful.”

  “No,” Ingrid countered, not liking how Gabe seemed so worried. “I’m delightful. You’re pretty.”

  “Ah,” Gabe said. Then his face changed and the humor faded as he said, “It won’t look the same going back, and we’ve been in here for a while. I…this is bad, Ingrid, Em.”

  “Why?” Emily asked, not because she was stupid but because Ingrid knew she wanted all the facts.

  “It’s dark, and our light was poor. None of us were thinking to make landmarks in our heads to scout the way back.” His voice said that he was furious with himself. The way his fingers dug into his spine said he was worried about Ingrid and Emily and felt the need to somehow save them. He would have been a good knight in shining armor, Ingrid thought.

  “Don’t feel bad,” Ingrid said, caressing his cheek. “I would never think to make landmarks, even if you told me to.”

  One of the girl’s snorted and Ingrid closed her eyes, telling herself to not set them on fire—even though it would add so much more light. It was just that they were staring as if Ingrid and Gabe were a private soap opera for them to enjoy. They needed to back off, Ingrid thought. Her magic was unpredictable. It wouldn’t be her fault if they left with burned off eyebrows.

  “Why would he leave?” Ingrid asked Gabe.

  “He is going to pay,” Emily said. “When I find him. I might be worthless at you-know-what, but Saffron isn’t. And she’s poor. She’ll do the you-know-what.”

  Ingrid considered paying Saffron, a witch from her home coven who could actually do magic, to hex the guide and then nodded. “He’d better be dead or Saffron will make him wish he was.”

  “We need,” Emily said, as if she wasn’t freaking out, “a spa day. With pedicures.”

  Ingrid took Emily’s hand and they squeezed. They were both terrified. No guide. Lost in miles of tunnels. No way to know how to get out. Ingrid felt the need to be as hysterical as Lucie and the way she was stuttering in fear.

  “You two are ridiculously spoiled,” Gabe said. He kissed Ingrid’s cheek to soften the comment and then asked, “What are you going to do when we go camping?”

  Emily cackled like a hyena while Ingrid stared at him gape-mouthed. She finally found her voice and replied, “Stay in a hotel. Obviously.”

  “I’d go camping with you,” Fiona said, but no one even acknowledged her comment. She didn’t seem nearly scared enough and it better not be because she was too busy lusting over Gabe to consider how they were all going to die.

  Gabe grinned at Ingrid in a way that said he was going talk her into it. She shook her head at him, but he didn’t stop smiling that sexy, perfect smile at her. It was the stubble maybe. Or his abs. Certainly his behind, but she felt as if she were being haunted by an impending camping trip.

  “What I need to know,” Ingrid said, “Is why we can’t stay here until the guide comes back. I mean, where could he have gone?”

  Emily hesitated and then looked at Gabe, “I
don’t think that guide is going to come back. You don’t either.”

  Gabe nodded once. His face said it all. They were in trouble. They needed to scout a way out and hope to survive.

  “Well we’ll be leaving a crappy yelp review.” Ingrid tossed her long swathe of dark hair and then said confidently, “We’ll be fine.”

  Sure, she’d said it to de-stress Gabe and Emily, but it didn’t work.

  “How big can this place be?” Ingrid closed her bag before someone realized she had lots more snacks. Those pickles were hers and she was going to eat each and every crunchy bite all by herself. Let’s just wander until we find the way out.”

  Gabe cleared his throat and then said, “Ingrid, it’s hundreds of miles of tunnels. They’ve found bodies of people here who got lost.”

  She shivered as she examined his face, checking to see if he were teasing her. She knew he wasn’t—Gabe wouldn’t do that about something like this. But, holy mother of angsty, what in the hells?

  “Like in the Goonies?” Ingrid didn’t hide her terror that time, and Emily shivered, stepping closer.

  Gabe nodded.

  Ingrid cleared her throat as she tried to find something to say. All she could come up with was, “But I didn’t want to come here.”

  Emily flinched and then said, “Hazel made me promise to see witch stuff. This was on the list of possibilities.”

  “So, now we die?” Ingrid asked Gabe and Emily.

  Lucie wailed and Fiona told her to shut up. It was hard to take the idea of dying in the caverns seriously. If only they could…shoot. If only they weren’t terrible witches. She bet Hazel would probably draw a pentacle, do a spell, and mosey out in time for drinks before dinner.

  “We’re not going to die,” Gabe said. “We’re going to be smart and find our way out. Plus, eventually when the guide doesn't show back up, someone will come looking for us. That’s why these things are regulated.”